No Regrets
by Justkillingtimewhileiwait
Summary: It's been a year since Erin left Chicago. Jay is on the verge of moving in with his new girlfriend when a case sends him to New York. Should he track Erin down and finally get the closure he never had so he can move on once and for all? Or will seeing her again turn his life upside down?
1. Chapter 1

_The world isn't over yet_

 _We've still got a chance to place our bets_

 _We both made a little mess_

 _Nothing our two hearts can't put back_

 _I'll never love you less_

 _Don't let your worries second guess_

 _We'll start over fresh, living a life with no regrets_

 _No Regrets by MAGIC!_

/

They were done. Case closed. No court in the country would find these killers innocent. But he wasn't feeling the relief he thought he would. He could call the airline and bump his flight up to this evening, be home in time to catch the end of the Blackhawks game with his brother, see his girl, but he didn't feel the pull to get home like he probably should. The case he'd been sent to New York for had been brutal but thankfully they'd wrapped it up in just over a week. He'd enjoyed working with the Major Case Squad in New York on this one. The climate here seemed a little less hostile than in Chicago at the moment. The weather had been nicer too, spring in full swing. He half considered doing something touristy with his last twenty four hours here. Taking in the sights, spending some time near the water.

There was something else keeping him from hopping on the next flight out too. Somewhere in this city there was a tiny brunette who apparently still had a small hold on him. He'd felt the pull towards her as soon as the plane had touched down at JFK. He caught himself scanning the crowded streets on his commute from hotel room to precinct each morning and taking a second look at all the women with long brown hair while in line at the coffee shop. Not surprisingly, none of them had been her.

He hadn't realized she was still in his blood when he'd started dating Michelle seven months ago. He'd thought he'd pushed Erin out of his head. She'd left, without so much as a good bye text, and he'd quietly put his mother's ring back in the safety deposit box and focused on moving on with his life.

Then the minute Voight had called him into his office, saying he was sending Jay to New York to assist with catching their serial killer, feelings he'd buried deep started fighting for space in his head.

He'd had dinner with Michelle that evening, to say good bye. She'd pouted momentarily but he couldn't be annoyed with her, he was bailing last minute and leaving her to attend her family reunion weekend on her own after all. Then she'd suggested maybe he could make it up to her by moving in together when he got home.

It wasn't her fault he couldn't help but be pulled back to the last time, the only time he'd lived with a woman. Things with Erin had been amazing. Until they weren't. Until he'd gone and screwed it up. And just when he was about to make things right she'd disappeared. The trip down memory lane had him wondering if he was really any good at this relationship thing. Would he just mess things up with Michelle the way he had Erin? He didn't want to hurt Michelle that way. She was a sweet girl. Nat had introduced them. Actually she'd tricked Jay into a blind double date with her and Will, but he supposed he should forgive her since things had apparently worked out well so far. But would they stay that way if they moved in together?

Jay had spent the last week wondering maybe if he saw Erin, got to actually say goodbye to her, maybe he could make a real go of things with Michelle. She'd been gone a year now but apparently there was still something holding him back from fully committing to another woman.

"Hey man, bunch of us are gonna grab some grub and beers, you wanna join?" Detective Zack Mitchell called to Jay, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, sure that be great!"

/

"So what's it really like man, working in Chicago? We've heard some pretty crazy stories," Zack asked as he downed the last of his first beer. The other guys at the table turned their attention on Jay, curious if the news had it right. Was Chicago really the war zone the media made it out to be?

"Yeah man, the media makes it sound like the cops are the bad guys there. Seems like there's more blue on trial than criminals," Arnie Talley, another of NYPD's finest piped in.

"It's pretty crazy." Jay tried to laugh off their questions but truth was they were pretty close to accurate. The climate in Chicago had continued to degrade where police/civilian relations were concerned. There was little cooperation from witnesses in investigations and even less respect. The ivory tower had crumbled to political pressure and had more cops in front of review boards then they did patrolling the streets. The budget had taken a huge hit with law suits and Talley wasn't far off when he said there were more cops on trial than criminals. Intelligence was constantly in the hot seat, especially since Erin had gone off the rails with that pedophile. Voight was insufferable, trying to operate with commanders breathing down his neck and criminals who cried foul if they got within two feet of a cop. Jay hadn't realized how low his morale was until he'd spent a week on the job in another city.

He steered the conversation elsewhere, preferring to have a good natured argument over baseball, until he couldn't hide his yawns anymore. He paid the groups tab, a financial hit he'd happily taken given how good they'd treated him all week. It didn't hurt to leave things on a high note either, you never knew when you'd need to call in a favour.

"You know, we're always in need of first class detectives on our squad, you ever get tired of chiraq, give me a shout, I'll put in a word for you," Zack offered with a firm hand shake as Jay said his goodbyes.

"Thanks man, might take you up on that someday," he was surprised to hear himself say.

/

He knocked on the door again, this time a little harder, she could sleep like the dead on a Saturday morning, and shifted the coffees to his other hand while he waited. This was stupid, he shouldn't have come. It had been a year after all and he'd managed to move on, mostly. He'd just bury all those feeling and memories back where they belonged and focus on trying to make a go of things with Michelle. Besides if he'd moved on what's to say Erin hadn't too? The image of a shirtless guy making his way through Erin's apartment to see who was pounding down her door this early on a weekend had Jay's jaw clenching uncomfortably. That use to be him. Would still be him if she hadn't gone running before he could help pull her out of the mess she'd fallen into last spring.

"What my door ever do to you that deserves a scowl like that?" Her raspy voice called from behind him. Jay spun abruptly at the sound, not having heard her come up behind him, and took in every inch of her.

She looked good. Really good. She stood, running clothes painted on her even more perfectly toned body, her cheeks flush from the exertion of her workout, strands of caramel hair escaping her ponytail. She cocked an eye at him when his gaze took a second trip up and down her body.

"Since when do you run before 8am on a Saturday? Since when do you run?" Jay kicked himself for the accusation in his tone.

"A lot can change in a year," she shrugged, and stepped past him to unlock her door. She walked though, leaving it ajar so he could follow. He paused in the front entry way to remove his shoes and was disappointed to see all Erin's outdoor wear was hiding behind the closed doors of a entry closet. A stupid thing really, but he somehow needed the comfort of a messy shoe pile to prove it really was his Erin he'd just encountered.

His.

He berated himself hard for that one. She'd stopped being his a long time ago. Jay forced a picture of Michelle, her long blond curls circling her face, blues eyes smiling, into his head.

"You gonna stand their inspecting my floors all day?" She called from down the hall.

Jay instructed his feet to move further into the apartment. He took in the open concept living space and searched for signs of familiarity, finding it in small things, a framed poster, a well worn stack of books, things she'd easily packed up in her car to make the cross country trip late one evening without a backwards glance.

That thought sobered him to the reason he'd come. He was here to say goodbye and that was it. But why hadn't his appearance shaken her the way she had him? She barely seemed to acknowledge his arrival, like it was commonplace for him to turn up with coffee. It use to be, his memories reminded him.

The sound of a blender bounced off the apartment walls and Jay turned to see Erin pulling two tall glasses out of a cupboard. She clicked off the machine and filled the glasses with a fluidity of someone who did so regularly. Another change. Erin had always wrinkled her nose a smoothies saying food was meant to be chewed. Now here she was placing one on the bar in front of him while taking a healthy swig of her own.

"It's non dairy. Should keep you busy while I get cleaned up." And with that she was off in what Jay assumed was the direction of the master bath.

He took it back. Maybe he had flustered her. Erin had barely looked at him as she'd hurried off down the hall. Seems not all that much had changed after all, she was still running.

/

"I wasn't running." Erin emerged, freshly showered, wearing tight jeans and a tshirt that reminded him how perfect her curves were. He frowned at her comment. She wasn't allowed to do that anymore, read his mind like that.

"I wasn't." She reaffirmed. "It just threw me, you standing out in the hall like that. I needed a minute. And maybe a girl wants to have a shower and feel a little more human when her ex turns up unannounced looking all perfectly gorgeous."

He cocked an eye at her and they stared at each other for a few minutes. As hard as he tried to deny it, it was good to see her. He itched to pull her into a hug, give her a proper hello, but he kept his distance. He was here for closure and closure only, he reminded himself again. Still he couldn't help but notice how clear and bright her warm brown eyes were, how relaxed she seemed in this space. It was a huge contrast to the way he'd last seen her out front of the 21st district last year.

"Did you come to stare at me or is there something on your mind," she quipped, her lips turning up slightly to let him know she was trying to keep things light.

"I was in town for a case. Thought maybe I'd make sure you were still in one piece since you never bothered to return any of my calls or texts." He'd aimed to match the light tone of her voice but he could hear the underlying hurt coming through. He watched guilt, anger, and a hint of sadness flicker through Erin's eyes.

"What was there left to say?" Her tone told him she didn't seem to need the closure. But then she'd been the one to make the decision to up and leave while he was left standing holding the ring and wondering where the hell she'd disappeared too. He remembered the first days when he'd lay awake wondering if she'd fallen down a hole again and the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He finally confronted Voight and demanded answers. When he'd learned the truth his concern turned to anger and that's when he'd been able to push everything he felt for her down and get on with things.

"Not much, just yes," Jay kicked himself. This wasn't where he wanted the conversation to go, at least not straight off the bat, but apparently the hurt she'd left him with wanted out.

"What? That makes no sense."

Jay sighed at her genuine confusion. He'd come here for truth and closure, if he wanted it he'd have to be honest with her.

"I was going to ask you to marry me. Even got Will to get my mother's ring out of the safety deposit box." He kept his tone as even and light as he could.

Erin's eyes went wide and she dropped onto the stool opposite him. He waited while she processed his words.

"I didn't know," she whispered. He could hear the heartache and apology in her words. "But why? We weren't even together."

"I know but I still loved you, you were all I could think about. And I know I screwed but you were caught up in all that mess and I just thought if.."

"You wanted to save me," she shook her head like it was a bad thing. "Jay that's not the right reason to ask someone to marry you. I didn't need you to save me."

"It was more than that but you left," he reminded her.

"You left first." Her soft tone contradicted the hurt on display in her eyes. "You didn't trust me enough to help you with whatever you were going through."

"That's not true. That's not why I moved out Erin. I left to protect you." Her disbelieving look had him explaining further. "I was ashamed and confused and had no idea how to deal with what was going on in my head."

"So you ran." He didn't bother denying it. "You spent four years getting me to trust you, helping me face things I didn't want to deal with, showing you the pieces of myself I swore I'd never trust anyone with and then when things got tough for you you ran intsead of trusting me to help you carry it all. It felt like you ripped my heart out." She confessed quietly.

Jay tried. He tried to hold on to the anger he had towards her when she left Chicago but hearing her words, watching her be so vulnerable and open about her feelings, something that use to be really hard for her to do, and hearing her tell things from her point of view, had the anger fading away.

"You're right," he admitted. "Like I said I know I screwed things up but I wanted to make them right."

"And I left." She closed her eyes and Jay got the sense she understood how her disappearance made him feel. "I didn't do it to hurt you, I swear. I didn't know you were going to propose and honestly I dont know if it would have changed anything. I wasn't really given a choice. I either stayed and faced loosing my badge, maybe even criminal charges, or took the job here. It was hard, really hard to leave but I didn't think I had any reason to stay. I don't regret leaving," she admitted, her chin jutting out.

"You don't?" That stung, hearing her say she didn't regret leaving what they had behind.

He felt her eyes on him, studying. She was always too perceptive, she read people, especially him, too well.

"My heart is in Chicago, with you Jay. It probably always will be. There isn't a second of our life together I'd take back, well except the parts where I brought all kinds of unnecessary drama to your life, but leaving has been really good for me. It took some time to understand that, but I'm at peace here, free from the label of Voight's girl, the expectations I could never quite live up to and Bunny's manipulation.

And you were right, about me needing to leave something for myself. I've been taking better care of myself physically . And I've been talking to someone," she said with an embarrassed flush. "And this job, once I got over the resentment of being forced into it, it's really good, really challenging. Actually last week I got a promotion to team leader."

He forced the smile but underneith the hurt and okay, maybe a tinge of jealousy, he was happy for her. This was everything he'd always wanted for her. To see her eyes light up when she talked about her life, to see her settled and confident in who she was. He couldn't deny how attractive it was.

"I'm happy for you Erin, really, you look good." He gave her a genuine smile this time.

"Thanks," she said looking down at her hands. "You don't," she offered softly, peaking up at him under her lashes.

"What? Ten minutes ago you said I looked perfectly gorgeous!"

Erin laughed, making her eyes sparkle. "You always look perfectly gorgeous. I hated that about you some times," she chuckled. "But you don't seem as happy as I'd hoped you'd be."

"You think about me?" He gave her a charming grin. He found it easier to tease than face the truth in her observation.

"Of course Jay. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you." Her admission brought a heavy silence between them. He'd thought that too. Hadn't he just admitted he'd planned to marry her? He felt the pull as they stared at each other, not needing any more words to communicate. When the emotions became too intense Jay broke the silence with another joke.

"Maybe I should move to New York, seeing as its had such a positive effect on you," he teased. He wondered though what it would be like, living in the same city as her. Would they become friends again? Grab a beer after a long day of work to unwind? It was one of the things he missed most. Their easy friendship, the comfortable way they fit together in any situation.

"You deserve to be happy Jay. Whatever you need to do to make that happen you should do." It was uncomfortable, her being the one to offer him support. But wasn't that what they were always saying in his Veterans group? Learn to accept the support of others? He could also see his suggestion made her uncomfortable. He couldn't blame her for that. As much as he'd tried to tell himself she'd left without a care to anything she'd left behind, she'd just confirmed how much she had cared for him. "But," Erin added knowing Jay needed her to return things to the lighter side, "I wouldn't complain about having another Blackhawks fan around. These Ranger fans are pretty intense!"

Jay hummed his agreement, hadn't he just spent the last week being razzed by New York's finest over his choice in teams?

Erin's phone buzzed, interrupting the first truly comfortable moment between them. He'd almost forgotten so much time had passed when they laughed like that. She excused herself and he watched her pace across the living room on what he quickly realized was a work call. He couldn't help but notice the confidence in her voice as she gave out orders to whoever was on the other end. He picked up on her increased adrenaline and excitement, something big was about to go down. Another twinge of jealousy hit as he wished he was in on whatever action she was about to be apart of. That was quickly followed up with the realization that what he missed the most was being her partner. No matter where their personal relationship had stood, their professional one had always been rewarding.

"I'm sorry," she apologized as she clicked off the phone and crossed back to him. "I need to head out."

"Yeah, of course. I need to get packed up and to the airport anyway." Jay didn't miss the disappointment that crossed her face at his mentioning leaving town. And he didn't welcome his own feelings of disappointment either.

She walked him to the door and there was a brief moment of awkwardness before Jay leaned down for a hug. He let it last longer than he should of, caught up in the scent of her freshly washed hair and how good it felt to put his arms around her again.

She pulled away first and tried to blink away the sheen of tears in her eyes before he could see them. "Next time you're in New York," she offered.

"I'll make sure I'm here earlier, maybe join you on that run." He resisted the urge to kiss her forehead and let himself out with one last smile.

As he stepped on to the sidewalk it dawned on him that he came here to say goodbye and get closure but was leaving with all kinds of questions and ideas turning around in his head.

/

Jay glanced from the monotonous paperwork he was hunched over to his phone again. Michelle still hadn't returned his text. He'd be worrying by now if it hadn't become the new pattern with her in the three weeks he'd been back from New York. It was his fault of course. She'd insisted on meeting him at the airport when he got home, her excitement at seeing him adorable. But within minutes of settling in for the car ride back to his apartment he'd all but killed her buzz. She'd started filling him in on her master plan for them to move in together and although he cared a lot about her, he knew he wasn't ready to take this step with her. If anything, seeing Erin had pointed out what a crappy job he'd been doing taking care of himself this last year, actually a lot longer than that. His still needing weekly veteran's meetings to help him tackle ptsd, which he finally was admitting to himself he was saddled with, was proof of that.

Michelle had claimed to understand he needed more time but it didn't stop him from feeling like an asshole. And he was no idiot. He could feel she'd pulled away, where she use to blow up his phone all day now he was left waiting hours for a reply from her. Like the one he was waiting on now asking her to confirm if they were getting dinner tonight. He wasn't sure how to fix things with her or that he'd even be around to if he accepted the job offer he'd gotten out of the blue yesterday.

He'd been pulling into the district parking lot yesterday morning when his phone rang with a New York number.

"Detective Halstead? Lieutenant Fleury here."

"What can I do for you sir?" Jay asked wondering why the head of NYPD Major Crimes was calling him. He hoped there hadn't been some kind of snag with the case he'd worked in New York a few weeks back.

"A lot actually. I'm in need of a new second in command and your name keeps getting whispered in my ear. Wondering if there's any interest on your part to moving out to New York?"

Jay stuttered for a moment, surprised by the news. Words came out of his mouth before he'd had a chance to think. "There's definitely interest, but,"

"I can give you three days but then I need to move on to the next," the lieutenant correctly assessed Jay's need to take a minute and think about it.

"Thank you lieutenant. I appreciate that and the offer. I'll get back to you real soon."

He hadn't slept last night for considering the Lieutenant's offer. He'd been acutely aware of his unhappiness since he'd been back. The week he spent working in New York combined with his visit with Erin had thrown light on all the things he'd been keeping buried in the dark. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe he needed a change of scenery.

There really was nothing tying him to Chicago. His relationship with Will would survive long distance now that they had mostly repaired old wounds. Besides he knew Will would happily use the excuse of flying out to visit him for a chance to spend a weekend in New York again. Michelle wasn't even enough of a pull for him if he was being completely honest either. He cared about her, but when he thought about his long term future it wasn't her he saw at his side.

Then there was Erin. They would need to start over. Put the past behind them, build a new friendship. He wanted to get to know this new version of her and if they ever got together again they'd have to do it right. He'd take his time this time and actually take her out on real dates before they ended up in bed together. He smile at the thought. The chemistry was certainly still there when he dropped in on her unannounced. And he'd have to talk to her. He'd have to tell her about the PTSD and the things he'd said in his veterans group if he had a shot in hell of proving he did in fact trust her.

This train of thought made him angry with himself. He didn't know if Erin would even want to have that kind of relationship with him again. He didn't even know if he wanted that kind of relationship again, at least not right away. Hell there could even be someone else in her life by now. No way would she have spent the last year celibate. He certainly hadn't. But she'd also said he'd always have her heart right after she'd made it clear she didn't need taking care of anymore. And even in the short time he'd been in her apartment he could see both were true.

He pushed thoughts of Erin away. If he was going to do this he had to do it for himself and only for him. Erin couldn't be a factor in the reasons to go to New York. He didn't think he'd like looking in the mirror much if he moved cross country just to chase after a girl. Especially one he had such an intense history with.

After another sleepless night he called the lieutenant back. Fleury had been overjoyed with Jay's accepting the job offer. Voight much less so, and Michelle heartbroken, though after her initial bout of tears she'd pulled herself together and wished him luck with a chase kiss goodbye. Jay felt bad about leaving her. She'd been easy to be with and he wished nothing but the best for her. He knew it was the right thing though when after he'd closed the door behind her relief washed through him. He needed to be on his own for awhile. Jay decided to take his own advice and focus on taking care of himself.

And that's what he did.

With his brothers help he packed up and headed out to the east coast and a chance at getting back his passion.

/

He'd decided he'd been avoiding her long enough. At first it was to prove to himself that he hadn't made the move to be near her. He needed to make sure he'd done this for the right reasons. For himself. He felt like he could say that was true now.

It had taken no time at all to settle in with his new team. They were a good crew. He'd worried there'd be resentment for him taking a job they may have felt one of their own deserved but there was none. He owed Zach for that. The guy had vouched for him and went out of his way to make him feel at home here, introducing him to all the good restaurants and pubs and even letting him crash in his spare room for a couple weeks while he apartment hunted. He'd found a little place close to work making his morning commute fairly painless. He'd found himself sleeping better again and looking forward to heading into the station each morning. And he'd found a local veterans group meeting. The city's energy seem to be agreeing with him too and he enjoyed familiarizing himself with its streets on his morning runs.

Now that he'd taken a couple months to settle in and was feeling good about his decision the leave Chicago, he figured he could give in to the urge to see her. So he got up extra early Saturday morning, dressed in runners and sweats and headed the six blocks to her place.

Jay knocked on the door, then leaned back against the door jam. Within a few seconds she swung it open. She was dressed in another killer running outfit and looked like she was ready to head out. He was sure she'd gotten even more beautiful since the last time he saw her.

"Hey," he said with a casual grin.

"Hey," she replied, surprise and amusement on her face as she took in his appearance.

"Thought maybe you'd like a running partner this morning?"

She let out a small laugh that had butterflies dancing in his stomach and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind her. "That sounds nice, but you sure you can keep up?" She teased while turning the lock in the door.

"With you?" He bantered. "Always."


	2. Chapter 2

I've got my issues, I admit that

You got some fears that hold you back

But we are acting like we're children

Looking to blame for what we lack

Before we lose everything we have tomorrow

Can we forget what went wrong yesterday,

No Regrets by MAGIC!

/

They'd been meeting up for runs every Saturday for the last two months. Jay had been pleasantly surprised when Erin had text him a few days after that first run to see if he was free to join her again. Their route had gotten longer now, cutting though Central Park, as they pushed each other's limits and maybe tried to draw out the time they spend in each other's company. They teased and trash talked. Jay loved how Erin would push their pace faster when he told her she'd gone soft now that she was wearing those fancy pant suits everyday. She'd remind him between pants of exertion that she had little use for them since she worked more undercover now than ever and would tease him about how her federal pay cheque had afforded her the privilege of living in a loft, with not only a view but an actual bathroom, six blocks uptown from the little shoe box he called home. After comments like that Jay couldn't help but push himself past his limits, his long legs eating up the pavement as he pulled away from her and beat her to the park exit. She'd swear and call him a show off and somehow manage to make him feel like he needed to pay for the smoothies they'd grab on the cool down walk back to her place.

Sometimes he'd say goodbye to her at the door to her building and continue down those six blocks to his own place, sometimes, the days he wasn't obligated to buy her drink, she'd invite him up for a smoothie instead and they'd talk shop and casually banter before one or other would make an excuse about having something to do. Being alone in a confined space with each other for too long made it hard to ignore the chemistry they still shared and eventually one of them would back away. Occasionally they'd extend the visit long enough to grab lunch together, Erin proving that whatever other changes she'd made in her life she still enjoyed a good combo.

He enjoyed spending time with her, and found himself looking forward to their Saturday morning ritual but, despite the open conversation they'd managed almost six months earlier when he'd turned up to say goodbye, they seemed to be dancing around their past. And Erin, although she gave back as good as she got in the banter department, stopped short of the flirting that had characterized their early friendship in Chicago. Jay figured there was one of two reasons; either she was seeing someone and wasn't comfortable telling him, or she wasn't interested in rekindling their romance.

For his part Jay still wasn't sure what he wanted either. He'd dropped the occasional hint, making stupid jokes filled with sexual innuendo, to gage her interest, but he didn't know if he was ready yet. Moving to New York had definitely been a good move for him, his boss was already encouraging him to take the Sergeants exam and talking about all the doors that were open to him. But he couldn't seem to move past the light banter and talk to Erin openly about what he'd gone through and was still going through, something he was sure she'd need him to do if they had any chance of moving forward.

An opportunity to test the waters popped up thanks to Zack. His wife had to fly out of town when her mother had a stroke and Zack offered Jay their unused broadway tickets. It wasn't really his thing but he thought of Erin instantly, remembering how she'd enjoyed the odd time they'd taken in a show in Chicago.

She had hesitated briefly when he'd called to ask her on what he now thought of as their first date but she agreed. He figured it was all the proof he needed to rule out her being in any kind of steady relationship with someone else.

He brought her flowers, daisies, when he picked her up. He felt kind of stupid at the cliche gesture until she opened the door and a broad smile lit up her face.

"You brought me flowers?" Her enthusiasm made him wish he'd taken the time to bring her flowers more often before.

Before.

That's how he thought of them now: before she left and after he came to New York. There were so many things that were the same but so many differences too. Like the soft curls she'd styled into her hair for the evening and the pretty knee length dress she had on. She took his breath away and his comment to that effect had a light blush staining her cheeks.

Jay spent most of the evening watching the emotion play across Erin's face rather than the actors on the stage. She was captivated by the production and when a lone tear slipped down her cheek he couldn't resist lacing his fingers through hers, needing to feel more connected to her powerful reaction to the play. It was a good ten minutes before she noticed and looked down to study their joined hands before she looked up at him, her eyes questioning. Jay simply squeezed his fingers around hers tighter and turned his attention back to the actors, pretending to be enthral with the drama unfolding on the stage. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when Erin didn't withdraw from his touch and also went back to watching the play.

Of course he walked her up to the apartment door. He was a gentleman after all. And maybe a small piece of him hoped she'd invite him in and they could act on the passion that had always driven their romantic relationship.

He hid his disappointment when Erin began thanking him for the date, a clear sign he wasn't being invited in and surprised them both by pulling Erin in for a goodnight kiss. It heated quickly as he deepened it and he got lost in the feel of her lips against his, her scent filling his senses and the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of her dress. It was over as quickly as it begain, Erin pulling back abruptly as she averted her eye.

"Thank you, again," she said softly. "I really did have fun."

Jay nodded, accepting the boundary she put in place but made no move to walk away. "You know me well enough to know I won't walk away until you let yourself in and lock the door." He said keeping his voice teasing to try and ease the sudden tension between them.

"Always my hero," she'd teased back, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.

He decided to walk home, the night being unseasonably warm, to give him time to sort out what the hell went wrong in the hallway.

They'd had an amazing time and he knew Erin had enjoyed the kiss up until the last second. When she pulled away she almost seemed sad. It didn't sit well with him. He didn't know if she was running from her feelings or if he had misread the situation. Maybe all she had to offer now was friendship after all. In the past he would have let sleeping dogs lie but he'd come here to do better by himself and that meant confronting the things that bothered him.

Old habits kicked in when he crossed the threshold of his own apartment and he fired off a quick text to Erin.

'Got home safe, no need to come to my rescue.'

He frowned when her reply text simply said 'ok' rather than the teasing he expected back.

He pulled off his jacket and dress shirt before he got the nerve to face things head on. He picked up his phone and fired off another text.

'You okay?'

'I don't know. I think we should talk.' Came her reply a minute later. Jay stood for several moments staring at his screen. He'd expected her to brush him off, tell him she was fine and he'd be forced to let the issue drop for now, another missed moment of communication between them. But her bare honesty had him doing something he hoped she wouldn't hate him for. He headed back to her place.

The woman who opened the door had Jay's breath catching. She'd looked stunning made up for the play earlier but the pure beauty of Erin's freshly washed face and vulnerability in her eyes when she greeted him in her pjs almost made him sway off balance.

"What's wrong? Talk to me." He said, sliding past her in the doorway and turning to face her.

"Hello to you too," sarcasm mixed with humour.

"Don't do that. I don't want to do that dance with you anymore. Tell me what's on your mind, why did you look so upset when we kissed and why don't you know if you're okay."

Erin nodded and he gave her a moment, watching her struggle to put her thoughts into words. When she spoke her eyes filled with tears.

"I'm falling in love with you all over again but I made a lot of mistakes before and I don't want to mess this up and it's scaring the crap out of me." She confessed.

There was only a beat before he matched her honesty with his own.

"I never fell out of love with you and that scares the crap out of me," he admitted.

Erin closed her eyes, causing the tears to slip out and slide down her cheeks. She put out her arms and he stepped to her then, pulling her tight against him. Her soft shudders tore at his heart as she cried. And that's when it dawned on him. They couldn't have a future if they didn't let go of the past. They had to stop comparing their past to their present. He held her tight while they both mourned what they'd once had.

"I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm crying," she sniffed as she pulled back to wipe her tears away.

"I do," he said with a sad smile and tugged her to the couch. "Because there's something I need from you. I need to know you're not gonna run. I can't chase you anymore. And because there's something you need from me. And it was never rescuing. I spent so much time trying to protect you, I missed what it was you really needed from me and I didn't know how to tell you what it was that I needed from you and that's why I lost you. And that's why you're upset, because we can't have what we use to have back, it would only fall apart again and we can't have a future until we give each other what we need."

"You been watching psychologists on late night tv again?" She tried to joke.

"No, I've been talking to a real life one, just like you have. Actually I've been doing a lot of things. All except the one thing that terrifies me the most, the thing you need most, and I keep holding it back from you. I need to show you who I really am."

She started to protest but he cut her off. He knew what she was going to say, that she knew him, and she did, up into a point but she didn't know all of him. He'd seen her demons and told her they didn't matter to him. Now he needed to show her his and hope to hell she'd still be able to look him in the eye.

So he told her.

He told her how scared he'd been when his convoy was blown up and he watched his brother's die, their limbs blown off their bodies.

He told her about the boy they'd accidentally killed in a late night raid.

He told her about being captured and tortured, listing to the screams of his comrades as their bodies were burned and mutilated.

He told her about coming home, about the way the wives and mothers of his dead brothers looked at him, like they were begging him to say it was all some sick joke and their husband or son would walk though the door any minute instead of having to watch as their bodies were lowered into the ground. How he never knew what to say and he felt useless because no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't fix it for them and he couldn't bring them back. He failed to keep them safe and they died and there was nothing he could do.

He told her about the guilt and shame he carried for the things he'd done over there so convinced it was in the name of what was right.

He told her about all the times he drank until he got black out drunk and sometimes, on the really dark nights needing more than just alcohol to take the pain away.

He told her how he'd started watching late night documentaries to drone out the sounds of the desert that he could still hear in his head when the rest of the world was asleep.

How they only time he felt in control was when he clipped his gun and badge to his belt and could convince himself he was certain which side of right and wrong he was on.

And he told her about the veterans meetings and how he was ashamed to admit that maybe he couldn't carry everything by himself and that made him feel like a victim and he wasn't a victim, he was a solder and a cop and he didn't want to feel weak. Feeling weak made him feel like the little boy who could never do right in his father's eyes.

They were the most difficult words he'd ever spoken.

And when he looked up, bracing for the disappointment and disgust in her eyes, he was met by her warm gaze, tear tracked cheeks and soft voice telling him how proud she was of him and how she though he was the strongest bravest person she'd ever met and how he made her feel safer and stronger then anyone else in the world before she climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his head.

He buried his face in her neck, the weight of his body falling against her and let the sensation of her hands running through his hair wash over him. He felt lighter, as if with each stroke of her hand she lifted some of the burden from him. He waited for the guilt of dumping everything on her to come but it didn't. He knew in his heart how strong she was. Didn't he always tell everyone she was the toughest cop he'd ever known? Sharing with her didn't make him weaker. It didn't make her load heavier. It made _them_ stronger. He chastised himself for not having the guts to tell her sooner. Before. He wondered how different things would have been if he'd just trusted her.

"Don't," her breath tickled against his ear. "Don't keep playing the what if game. There's a thousand things I should have done differently too. But it's done. We can't change what happened. We can only do something about right now and maybe what comes next."

"Who's been watching late night tv now," he murmured into her neck. Erin's chuckle vibrated through his whole body and he leaned back in time to catch her eyes dance with laughter. But he wouldn't deflect her statement with humour this time. "You're right." He agreed. "So, what happens next?"

"I'm not sure. Are you?"

He shook his head. "No. But I know I wouldn't mind watching some of that late night tv with you right now."

Erin slid off Jay's lap, scooping the remote from her coffee table and passing it to him. She turned off the light and grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair. Jay turned so she could settle in beside him.

"Okay," she said settling her head against him. "But nothing with bugs, I didn't sleep for ages after you made me watch the last one. I kept thinking there were bugs crawling all over me."

It was Jay's turn to chuckle and he casually dropped a kiss on the top of her head as he wrapped an arm around her.

"Oh, and just one more thing," she said distracting him from his channel surfing.

"What's that?"

"No running away this time, for either of us, from whatever this is."

Jay smiled. "Erin, the only running I want to do is with you through Central Park every Saturday morning."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback. Here is the third and final part to this little story. I hope you enjoy it. I couldn't resist going for the fluffy ending so thanks in advance for indulging me with that. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Xoxo

The world isn't over.

We can always start over

No weight on our shoulder

Living a life with no regrets

Life with no regret

No Regrets by MAGIC!

They'd had a second and third date over the last month, along with their usual Saturday run. Those dates ended much more comfortably, although not in the bedroom which was probably a good thing up until now as much as Jay's libido begged to differ. The cold showers Jay needed to take after each one were worth it though to make sure they did things right this time and he knew the slow burn that was building between them would be worth it when they finally came together.

He secretly hoped that would be tonight. Erin had called him this morning asking to see him after being gone for just over a week on a case and he had no reservations about saying yes. His own work had kept him busy all week thanks to New Yorks healthy crime rate and studying for the sergeants exam. Their communication had been sporadic while she was gone, something she'd given him a heads up would happen, since she'd spent most of that time undercover. He felt uneasy not knowing where she was or what kind of danger she was in and knew from her comments to him that she also found it strange not working together. But they'd agreed having separate work lives at the moment was probably healthier for them both.

There was one big upside to not having to 'keep it professional' and that was how much more relaxed they were in public, acting more like a couple this time around. There was no worrying about running into bosses or colleagues. Even thought they'd been out as a couple in Chicago they still both felt the pressure to make sure they were taken seriously and had kept things fairly low key when they were out. Jay never wanted anyone to get the wrong impression of Erin. It was unfair how female cops were judged, especially if they dated other cops. So although neither of them were huge on pda it was nice to hold her hand and steal kisses whenever he wanted as they wandered through the city now.

It was during a particularly heated kiss by the water that Jay had the misfortune of discovering Erin had also moved on during their year apart, something he knew was likely but didn't want to admit to himself. Hearing her name called by a deep voice had Erin pulling her lips away from his and turning to see who was approaching them.

"Ryan?" She said with surprise and shifted her weight uncomfortably as she looked between Jay and the approaching man. Jay took stock of man, nearly as tall as him. His broad shoulders and few days growth of facial hair contradicted the neat dress shirt and pressed slacks he wore. "How are you? This is, umm..."

"You must be Jay," Ryan said pleasantly enough, sticking his hand out. Jay took the offered hand to be polite but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be polite or deck this guy for the way he'd let his eyes roam over Erin's body. "Ryan Bachmann. Nice to have a face to go with the name." Jay noticed Ryan's tone didn't hold the enthusiasm it should have for the statement and his smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Wish I could say the same," Jay said, looking to Erin to fill him in.

"You probably don't," she muttered. "It's nice to see you," she offered Ryan.

He let out a small laugh, "yeah, you too, you look good. Happy." Erin only nodded. "I'm glad. Look I didn't mean to interrupt, just thought I'd say hi since I saw you there. It was good to see you," he said. Jay tightened his hands into fists in his pockets to keep from ripping the guy off Erin when he gave her a hug, one Jay felt had a little too much familiarity in it for his liking. He stood quiet as Erin watched Ryan walk away.

"Don't look at me like that," she admonished.

"Like what?" He asked innocently.

"Like you're all jealous and upset."

Jay let the statement hang between them for a few beats. "Was it serious?" He finally asked, his curiosity overriding his better judgement.

"Not as serious as you and Michelle," she retorted with a teasing smile.

"What? Were you spying on me?" Jay matched her teasing tone but he was surprised Erin knew about Michelle. He hadn't mentioned her.

"Of course not. But news travels," Erin shrugged casually.

"Burgess," Jay accused.

"Maybe. It's okay Jay. I was happy for you. You deserved to be happy."

"I wasn't. Not really. Not because of that either. This makes me happy, being here in New York, and you make me happy too. "

"Good."

Again Jay's curiosity wouldn't let the matter die. "And Ryan? Did he make you happy?"

"I learned to make myself happy." She said, dismissing his jealousy but when he shot her a look letting her know that answer didn't cut it she continued. "It wasn't anything like what we have Jay. I told you I left my heart in Chicago, with you. And anyway we said we weren't going to do this anymore, let our past dictate our future, remember?"

"We did," he agreed. But Erin looked up at him with suspicion.

"Spit it out," she demanded with a smile.

"I just didn't peg you for a suit kinda guy," Jay struggled to keep the smirk from his face.

Erin's whole body shook with laughter. "He's a carpenter, owns his own business."

"Great, so he's good with his hands," Jay muttered and Erin laughed again.

"Not as good as you are," she stroked his ego. "Besides I'm sure your dentist, Michelle, did a very thorough job inspecting your mouth, with her tongue."

Jay let out a bark of laughter at the dramatic way Erin delivered her line. "She actually wasn't that great a kisser," he offered, his voice cracking as he tried to shake off the discomfort of talking about this with Erin.

"Unhu, I'm sure," Erin laughed.

"She wasn't!" He pulled Erin close, wanting to erase the flash of insecurity he saw underneath the humour on her face. "No ones kisses do to me what yours do," he whispers in her ear then moulded their lips together to help prove his point.

Jay smiled at the memory of how Erin had let out a soft moan of pleasure while they kissed. He'd been forced to break the kiss before they were arrested for public indecency but she'd initiated a pretty heated make out at her front door, to pick up where they'd left off, when he dropped her off that night.

He pulled a clean shirt on over his head and finished getting ready for date number four. He pushed the images of Ryan and Michelle from his head. They'd made peace with the past and it no longer deserved to take up space in his mind. Tonight it was time to focus on how they could move forward, together. Jay took a quick look around his tiny apartment to make sure everything was turned off. With any luck he wouldn't be back here until sometime late tomorrow.

/

His stomach fell when Erin opened her apartment door. She hadn't said what she wanted to do tonight but he'd assumed they'd be going out somewhere. Instead Erin was dressed in sweats and looking like she hadn't slept all week.

"Hey," he greeted her softly and automatically slid his arms around her. "You okay?"

"I... not really," she admitted. "I was hoping maybe you'd be okay if we just ordered in and hung out in front of the tv?" Her expression was apologetic.

"Of course," Jay removed his coat and shoes and followed Erin into the living room. "What's going on?"

He watched, thinking Erin was struggling with whether or not she was going to talk to him. His annoyance came quick. They'd been doing so well but it was clear she was upset and he was disappointed she was going to try and keep things from him again. But he caught himself. It had been Erin who had called him this morning and asked to see him. He pushed the annoyance aside and sat on the couch to wait her out. She followed him.

She let a long low breath out. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole," she began. Jay sat up straighter. His gut rolled uncomfortably, running through a list of things she might say next. Had she changed her mind about them?

"Something happened. And it's, it's really hard. Really hard. The last couple days have been awful. But I need you to know I'm okay. Really, I am. I just wanted to see you, be near you. But I don't need you to do anything to try and fix it and I don't want you to think that just because I'm upset, that I'm gonna go off the rails or something. Im not."

"Okay," Jay was confused. And also anxious. His brain instantly went to Bunny. Had she gotten to Erin again? Was she trying to manipulate her and pull her back under?

"I mean it Jay. I don't need you to rescue me. I just need," her voice cracked. It was clear to Jay she was struggling with something really emotional and struggling to express her needs. He was suddenly proud of her. He knew how hard it was to ask for what he needed.

"It's okay Erin," he said slipping his hand into hers. "Whatever you need. I'm here, always." His reference to the promise they'd made long ago had tears overflowing her eyes.

"I just need your arms around me," she all but whispered. Jay obliged and tugged her into his lap. She wiped the tears away and sat quietly with her arms loosely around his waist. He waited quietly giving her time to sort through whatever was going on in her head.

"One of my agents died," she said softly, her head against his chest. Jay tightened his hold on her, instantly empathizing with the emotions she was struggling with now. "A couple days ago when we were trying to apprehend our suspects, there was a pretty crazy firefight and,"

She didn't finish. Didn't need to for him to know what happened next or to know the responsibility she carried for what happened. Even if she wasn't directly responsible for his death, she was in charge of the team. His mind flashed back to when Terry had been shot and when he'd lost men under his command as a ranger. He wanted to tell her he knew how she felt, that it wasn't her fault, he wanted to take the pain and the burden off of her. His mind frantically searched for ways to make this better for her.

Then her words from earlier interrupted his quest. She didn't want him to fix this for her. She just wanted him here. He deliberately relaxed his shoulders and placed kisses on her head. "I'm sorry," he said into her hair. It seemed to be the right thing to say because she nuzzled her head into his chest more. He didn't know how long they sat like that, his hands absently running over her back and arms, when his stomach growled.

Erin let out a little giggle. "I'm sorry, I guess I should feed you."

/

Jay was relieved to see Erin eat something. She talked a bit more about what had happened and what was going to happen next. Higher ups had already reviewed the incident and cleared her team of any culpability but she admitted she felt like it was still on her. He tried to acknowledge her feelings rather than convince her it wasn't her fault, the instinct to try and fix things still strong. The conversation was different for them but as they talked Jay's need to rescue Erin subsided. He hurt for her but he could see even though she was upset, she was coping with the tragedy.

After a bit they curled up on the couch and watched a movie.

"This wasn't what I had planned for tonight," She apologized.

"Erin it's fine. Really. I'm really glad you called me."

"I am too. Its just... I can't tell you how many hours I spent sitting in a van staring at monitors waiting for something to happen this week. It gave me a lot of time to think. I had this whole date planned out."

"Oh?" Jay pulled back to look at her face and wiggled his eyebrows at her. Erin laughed at the innuendo in his expression.

"Did you mean what you said earlier, about always?"she asked shyly.

Jay smiled and ran a hand over her cheek, not liking the uncertainty in her eyes. "I did."

She nodded. "I know we were trying to take this slow, but," Erin paused gathering her courage. "I feel like we're dealing with what we needed to and I know this might seem out of the blue or too fast but," again she paused, bit her lip, and then let the words tumble out of her mouth. "I really miss falling asleep beside you at night Jay. I, I want us to try again. I want to be with you, live with you."

To say he was surprised was an understatement.

"This isn't because I'm upset about my agent." She was quick to clarify when she saw his face. "I've been thinking about it for awhile, like I tried to explain. I know we haven't even had s.."

"I'm down," Jay cut her off.

"You are?"

"Yes, absolutely." He was positive. He didn't need time to analyze things any further. He just knew it was the right move for them.

"It doesn't have to be here, we can get something else," she offered.

"We'll figure it out," he assured her before crashing his lips against hers. Within a few minutes he was carrying her to the bedroom.

Slow and tender mixed with frantic passion as they finally came together. Old familiarity was woven in with the newness as they explored each other and deepened their connection. Later, as Erin slept peacefully with her head on Jay's chest, legs tangled with his, Jay smiled as he drifted off. There was a peace he'd never felt before and his mind was silent for the first time.

/

"It's really big," Erin said again. "How much did you say this cost us?"

"Don't worry, nothing we can't handle on your federal pay cheque," he teased her.

"I'm sorry Sargent Halstead, but you didn't answer the question."

"Hmm, Well maybe your interrogation techniques could use a little work. Don't they have courses over there at that fancy office of your?"

"Shut up," Erin said tossing a pillow at him.

Jay deflected it with a laugh. "There. All done, what do you think?"

Erin stood up from the place on the floor she'd been watching Jay work from and cleared cardboard and styrofoam from the couch. They'd moved in to a new loft a few months ago, and were slowly decorating each room. Tonight they put the finishing touches on their living room by installing the rather large tv above the fireplace. It was a gift to himself, for not only passing the Sergeants exam, but also getting assigned to his own unit.

His first act as Sargent had been to offer Zack a job as second in command and he and his wife, Alyssa, were coming over tonight so they could celebrate. He knew Erin suspected it was more because Jay and Zack wanted to watch the game on the "monstrosity," as Erin had described it, that now graced their wall but he knew Erin didn't really mind the large tv and was just busting his balls.

She'd been so excited when he came home and he told her about the promotion and she couldn't stop saying how proud of him she was. He downplayed it but secretly he loved the way she'd fussed over him and kept referring to him as 'Sargent Halstead.'

The evening was relaxed and fun. Zack and Alyssa were a great couple and Jay loved the way Erin and Alyssa laughed together, even if it was at his and Zack's expense. At the moment Erin was embarrassing him with the story of how he'd dumped coffee all over himself when a eighty three year old woman had propositioned him at the VA open house he'd brought Erin to.

He'd been rather nervous about letting anyone see this part of his life, it was hard to talk about his past in the army and his issues with PTSD but he didn't want any more barriers between them. They'd talked on and off over the last few months about how he was handling things and Erin had been completely supportive. When the open house came up Jay hesitated. Bringing Erin here would make everything that much more real. His two worlds would collide into one and he wasn't sure how he'd handle that loss of control. It was so much easier to keep everything in separate boxes. But he knew deep down she needed this, they both did. So he'd reined in his nerves and asked her to to come.

Erin had smiled brightly and teared up when she said yes. He was still getting use to her more open displays of emotion but he loved how much more at ease she was with herself. She no longer seemed at war with herself over the her thoughts and feelings.

Of course she'd charmed half the vets within ten minutes of being there, and made him forget being uncomfortable and self conscious. Watching her mingle with the members of his support group and their families that night shifted yet another piece inside Jay. He didn't feel a loss of control as he'd expected but more of the calm and peace he'd experienced since coming to New York. They'd both worked hard here, facing their issues head on instead of ignoring them or running away, and it had paid off. When Erin looked across the room to catch him staring at her, he could see how much it meant to her that he'd brought her here. He just hadn't realized how much it would mean to him to have her here.

/

Jay ran ahead chuckling to himself at the names Erin hurled at his back. They were almost to the end of their Saturday morning run when she'd started trash talking him again. So he'd stomped on the gas and left her in the dust. As much as she hated to loose, he knew she'd hate it more if he let her win. But he had no doubt she'd be making her case for him to buy her yet another smoothie the minute she caught up to him. When he got to the gate he jogged off to the side and bent over, his breaths coming quickly. He dropped to a knee with his hand on his chest.

"Jay, Jay what's wrong?" Erin asked frantically. He could feel her hands running over his back and shoulders. "Baby what's wrong?" she asked again.

"I just. I just don't think it's fair," he huffed out.

"What? Jay, what are you talking about? What's wrong, are you hurt?"

"I mean week after week I buy you these smoothies and I just don't see what's in it for me." He peaked up at her and watched as Erin's face morphed from concern to mild annoyance as she realized there was nothing life threatening happening to him.

"Fuck Jay," she shoved his shoulder. "I though you were having a heart attack." She went to walk away and he caught her hand refusing to let her pull away.

"I'm not done," He smirked. "I just think if I'm gonna be buying you drinks week after week I should get something out of it you know?"

"The pleasure of my company isn't enough for you?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Baby you're company is my favourite thing," Jay assured her with his most charming grin. "But I was thinking maybe you could do something to show you're appreciation."

"Oh you were, were you? What exactly did you have in mind?" Erin rolled her eyes and cocked a hand on her hip.

He pretended to think about it for a minute then he looked up at her from his still bent position on the grass. He turned up the smile and flipped his free hand over to reveal what he'd been hiding.

"I was thinking maybe you could take my name." He tried to keep his voice casual but his heart was hammering in his chest and it had nothing to do with the miles they'd just run.

Jay let go of her hand and opened ring box. Inside his mother's ring winked up at Erin. He'd had Will bring it out on his last visit to New York. Erin looked stunned for a moment then her gaze shifted from the ring to his face and back again.

"I love you Erin, every part of you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So that we can take care of each other, be by each other's side whether it's running or watching late night tv or wrestling with our demons, I want to do it with you. Will you marry me?"

She blinked hard trying to clear the tears clouding her vision. He watched a slow smile stretch until her dimples popped and her eyes shone as bright as his mother's diamond. Her head bobbed up and down slowly and her soft lips parted and mouthed the word yes without a sound. It was all he needed. Jay took the ring out of the box and slipped it on her finger before standing and pressing his lips to hers. He felt her arms slide around to his back and squeeze him tightly to her.

After a moment Jay pulled back to look at her. Her face reflected the same peace and happiness he knew his own did. It was amazing how much they'd both grown since the day he'd first set eyes on her in bullpen of Intelligence. They'd taken the long and bumpy road but he no longer doubted they would have their someday.


End file.
